We named our party play list daddy issues
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
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It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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