Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
