Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I just gift wrapped bread.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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