why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
