benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
