I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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