Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
