My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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