I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Bring me that man meat
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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