this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
