I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
