I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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