apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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