The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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