Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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