mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
