This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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