Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
