i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.