After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.