By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever