I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
