I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
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Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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