I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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