you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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