yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
