it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
