There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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