My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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