if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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