So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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