This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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