today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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