What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
