So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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