im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
