My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
