Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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