you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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