I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
