What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
