if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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