just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
