my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Randomize
