i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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