you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
