just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
