I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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