he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
