well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
