I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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