There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
there is glitter all over my balls
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
