I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
