girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
