Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
