I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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