I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
