Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
