What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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