i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
