having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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