she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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