just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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