I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
