Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
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